Where Do I Turn?
by weirdgirl42
Summary: When Hawkeye can't adjust to civilian life, his father sends him to see Colonel Potter. Will be HM later.
1. Default Chapter

_Author's Note: This is my first attempt at a MASH fiction. I do not own any of these characters. Please don't sue._

**Where Do I Turn?**

Daniel Pierce nervously waited as the phone on the other end ran three times before a woman answered.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Mildred Potter?"

"Yes."

"This is Daniel Pierce, we met a little over a year ago. I'm…"

"Daniel! Of course I remember. At the family reunion. You're Hawkeye's father. How are you?"

"I'm doing okay."

Mildred could hear the pain in his voice. "Is Hawkeye alright?"

There was a pause, "He's physically fine but that's actually why I was calling. I was wondering if I could speak to your husband."

"Yes. Yes of course. I'll get him."

Daniel waited a moment until another voice came on the line.

"Dr. Pierce. It's nice to finally put a voice to the stories. I've heard a lot about you."

"Same here Colonel. I only wish it were under better circumstances."

"Yeah, something told me this wasn't a social call. What can I do for you? Is Pierce alright?"

"No," admitted Daniel. "He's not. I knew that it would be hard for him. But it's been almost nine months. He barely eats, he never sleeps, he worked in the clinic for a while, and did a few things at Portland General but now he's talking about not practicing again."

"Not practicing? Pierce? Holy moly. Has he talked to Hunnicutt at all since getting back?"

"Once," replied Daniel. "About a month after he got back. That was the same time he quit working. I can't get through to him. I know this is a lot to ask but from Hawk's letters I got the feeling that you were someone he admired and trusted, and I was wondering…"

"Send him down here," Potter said.

Daniel let out a sigh of relief. "I admit that was exactly what I was hoping for."

"Will you be able to convince him to come?"

"He'll be there in two days Colonel, if I have to pack him in a crate and mail him."

_TBC_

_please review_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Hawkeye Pierce scanned the airport terminal. People were moving swiftly all around him but he saw no familiar faces. He was about to walk towards the baggage claim when a voice called out.

"Pierce!"

Hawkeye turned and saw Colonel Potter standing behind him. He smiled slightly and stuck his hands in his pockets. "Hey Colonel."

Colonel Potter held back a gasp at the sight of his former chief surgeon. Hawkeye looked as if he'd lost ten pounds and the bags under his eyes confirmed Daniel Pierce's belief that the man wasn't sleeping. "How are you doing son?" he asked at last.

Hawkeye smiled but Colonel Potter noticed it didn't go to his eyes. "I'm wearing a color other than green Colonel. That can't be bad."

Colonel Potter returned the smile and put a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "It's good to see you," he said.

Hawkeye didn't respond. And after a moment Colonel Potter suggested they get his luggage and head out.

It was an hour drive from the airport to the Potter farm. Hawkeye was quiet for most of the drive, occasionally asking after the Colonel's family. He listened while Potter told him stories of what had happened and though he seemed interested and smiled, Potter could tell that the spark wasn't there anymore.

When they got to the farm Hawkeye stepped out of the car and took a deep breath. The large house was settled on a huge open piece of land. Hawkeye assumed the land had once had crops growing on it but now it was just open fields. There was a barn and a fenced in area where he could see two horses grazing.

"Well Colonel," he said, "I think this place almost give Crabapple Cove a run for its money."

"Yeah," replied Potter, "there's something about this place that always makes me feel at home." Just then Mrs. Potter walked out onto the porch. "And there's the something right there."

"Oh good you're back," Mildred said. "Dinner's almost ready. She came down the stairs and shook Hawkeye's hand. "I'm Mildred Potter. I've heard a lot about you."

"Hawkeye Pierce. I've heard a lot about you as well. All good things which I'm sure you can't say the same."

Mildred laughed and something about the warmth in that sound made Hawkeye feel slightly more at ease. "Sherman," she said, "you'll show him where to put his things?"

"Yes dear," said Colonel Potter.

"Why don't you show him around a little while I finish up in the kitchen." She turned back to Hawkeye, "It's good to have you here young man."

"Thank you Ma'am," Hawkeye replied.

With that, Mildred went back inside, leaving the two men standing on the porch.

"Well," said Colonel Potter, "come on then."

Hawkeye picked up his bag and followed into the house. They brought his stuff to the guest room and Colonel Potter showed him the rest of the house. When they got back downstairs dinner was ready. Both Potters watched with worry as Hawkeye ate almost nothing, but they had talked about this and decided not to say anything. Hawkeye offered to help clean up but Mildred shooed both of them outside when dinner was over.

"Show him the rest of the place Sherman," she said.

The two former colleagues walked on the property for a while before stopping at the horse pen and leaning up against the log fence.

"What are their names?" Hawkeye asked of the two horses.

"That one's Buddy," Potter said pointing to the brown one. "And that one's Roxie." He pointed at the grey one. "Roxie's gonna have a colt soon."

"I thought that might be why she was so big, but I know better than to comment on a lady's weight."

Potter laughed. They were silent for a few minutes, just watching the horses.

"I know why Dad sent me hear Colonel," Hawkeye said at last.

"You do, do you? How do you feel about that?"

Hawkeye shrugged.

"He's worried about you," Potter continued.

"I know," replied Hawkeye, his voice not much more than a whisper. He looked out over the fields where the sun was setting. "I just…I don't know how to make it better. I can't make it go away."

"Make what go away?"

"All of it. The bodies, the blood, the faces. Every time I close my eyes I see…it's like I'm there again."

"Son, what we lived through was horrible. We saw too much death and there was no reason for it. It's normal for it to be hard. You're not supposed to forget but you have to figure out how to live."

"I don't think I know how. There was just so much…"

"I know."

"No you don't," said Hawkeye seriously. "There's so much you don't know. And I…I can't…"

Potter put a hand on his shoulder. "Hawkeye listen to me. I'm not going to make you do this in one night. You're as good as family to me and you're welcome here for as long as you need. But I want you to know that when you're ready, well I'll listen."

Hawkeye nodded, not trusting himself to say anything else.

"For now," Potter continued, "how bout we head inside and play some cards."

"Yeah," said Hawkeye. "That sounds good."

Silently they made their way back into the house. Much later Hawkeye lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He had fallen asleep for a while but had woken up again. He could brush off the fact he couldn't sleep on the new surroundings but truthfully he hadn't been able to sleep more than an hour or two since returning to the states.

After lying there awake for a while he got up and quietly made his way downstairs and out onto the porch. He sat down on the swinging bench and stared out across the night. The moon was almost full and the stars were shining brightly in the sky. He swung back and forth slowly, alone with his thoughts and memories.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's note: Sorry for the delay in updating, I just finished my finals. The next chapter should be up in a day or so. _

**Chapter 3**

Two days passed. Most of the time was spent playing cards and taking walks in the countryside. Potter showed Hawkeye how to ride and Hawkeye found something inherently peaceful about taking the horse out.

It was very early on the third morning Colonel Potter awoke to the sound of screaming. He threw on a robe and ran to the guest room. Hawkeye was thrashing around on the bed yelling, "No! No don't do it! Please!"

Potter reached out and grabbed his shoulder. "Hawkeye wake up!" he called.

Hawkeye opened his eyes, sat up, and looked around the room.

"It's me son," Potter said. "It's alright, it was just a dream."

Hawkeye's breathes were still coming very fast. He leaned against the headboard and wiped his sleeve across his sweaty forehead.

"This isn't the first time this's happened is it?" Potter asked.

"No," replied Hawkeye. "My father's woken me up a dozen times. The rest of the times I guess I don't yell. I'm sorry I woke you."

"Do you want to talk about it? I'm not the best at this kind of thing but I could give it a try."

Hawkeye started to shake his head but Potter cut him off. "I don't have to be Sidney Freedman to know that bottling up what you're going through isn't going to help. I told you I'd listen and I meant it."

Hawkeye took a breath and let it out slowly. "There are so many things Colonel. I thought that getting out of Korea was all I wanted. But everything here feels wrong and I don't know how to make it better. I feel so lost and I don't know where to turn. There's nowhere to go. I feel like I've lost a part of me, and I can't get it back. I saw things Colonel. I did things. Things I can never take back. That day on the bus I made a woman…"

"Sidney told me about that son," Potter interrupted. "That wasn't your fault. No one blames you. That child's death was a tragedy, just another in a long list of tragedies that damn war created."

" I know that. I know that those kids we couldn't save didn't die because of me. I see the faces of the kids I lost. And I'll always feel guilty that I didn't do more, but that isn't the part that gets me. Because I expected to be haunted by those faces. I don't want them to go away because I don't want to forget what happened. If I forget, then I disrespect their memories."

"Those aren't the dreams that made you do this?"

"No."

"What do you dream?"

Hawkeye closed his eyes. "I've lost the two people that mean the most to me in the world. And when I dream I'm staring up at them from the operating table and they walk away. Put a sheet over my head. Give up on me."

Potter nodded, beginning to understand. "BJ?" he asked.

Hawkeye nodded.

"You haven't lost BJ. Your father said you talked to him. I'm sure he'd talk to you if you called him. You could even visit if you wanted. You two were mighty close and I don't think either of you wants to throw that away."

"You don't understand. He went home and found his place. When I got back I needed him so badly. I missed him so much and I couldn't find a place for myself. I felt like I was outside the town that I had pined for those three years. I called him and realized that he was fine. He's so happy with his family and I couldn't bring him down because I was confused and hurting."

"You father said that after you talked to him you said you didn't want to practice anymore."

"I don't think I can. About the same time I talked to BJ I was doing surgery in Portland and the patient died. Developed an aneurysm in the brain. When he died I felt so numb. His death didn't phase me at all. That scared me more than anything I'd seen in Korea. I don't think I know how to feel anymore. And I can't be a good surgeon if that's the case."

"You know how to feel Hawkeye. You're the best surgeon I've ever met and what more you have a heart that was sometimes too big for your own good. You haven't lost that for good, you just need time to find it again."

"I want to believe you Colonel."

"Well then believe me. Your mind was being pulled in so many directions then that it was blocking you from feeling pain at that patients death. Maybe you were afraid that another death on top everything you've seen would push you over the edge. It doesn't mean you can't feel. You have some things to sort out and I have faith that you will, and when you do you'll be the best damn surgeon again."

They sat in silence for a while. For the first time in months Hawkeye felt almost at ease. The Colonel's faith in him had given him more faith in himself. The pain still sat on the edge of his mind pushing to get in but for now it was being held at bay.

"Who is the other person?" Potter asked, breaking the silence.

"What?" said Hawkeye.

"You said you lost the two people who meant the most to you, BJ and who else?"

Hawkeye sighed, "Margaret," he whispered.

_Like you didn't see that coming? Please review._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Margaret?" said Potter. "What in the blazes are you talking about?"

Hawkeye stood up from the bed and walked to the window where the sun was rising over the horizon. "I lost her," he said at last.

Potter understood. He had long suspected that there had been something between his chief surgeon and his head nurse. The pain and longing on Hawkeye's face only confirmed his suspicions. Unlike with BJ, he could not assure Hawkeye that Margaret was not lost. In the months since they had all been back he'd yet to hear from her. He stood up and walked to stand next to Hawkeye.

"Love is one of the first casualties of war," he said. "And war is a lousy place to find love."

Hawkeye looked at the older man.

"But," continued Potter. "I think that love is one of those things we never really lose. And no matter what you think, you haven't lost Hunnicutt. Even if you waited another thirty years and then spoke to him you still won't have lost him. The two of you share an experience that very few other people understand. And even if you tell him how you're feeling right now I'll bet that his response would surprise you." He patted Hawkeye's shoulder and headed for the door.

"Colonel?"

Potter turned back, "Yes?"

"What about Margaret?"

Potter sighed. "I don't know son. I know she cared for you a great deal. And I believe that one way or another you'll both be fine. Now why don't you come downstairs and eat something."

"Yeah," said Hawkeye. "I'll be right there." He waited until the door had closed before going to the chair that his pants were draped over and pulling a picture out of the pocket. It was of BJ, Margaret, and himself. Klinger had taken it right after the Colonel had gotten them with his April Fools joke. They were laughing together, his arms draped around both of their shoulders. He stared at the picture for a moment before pulling his pants on over his shorts and changing his shirt. Then he followed the Colonel downstairs.

After breakfast Hawkeye called BJ. It was still early in San Francisco but BJ was more than a little excited to hear from his friend. The last time they talked Hawkeye had seemed distant. But now he seemed more at ease. BJ could still hear some pain behind Hawkeye's words, especially when he spoke of his jealousy at BJ's apparently easy transition into society.

BJ altered that belief slightly when he told Hawkeye how miserable he had been at first. How once in a while he still expected to wake up and see Hawkeye sleeping a few feet away. How loud noises still made him jump. And how singing in the shower without a partner still made him sad.

They talked for over an hour until Hawkeye promised he'd visit soon and they hung up. Hawkeye went out on the porch where the Colonel and Mildred Potter were sitting together on the porch swing.

"Did you two have a nice chat?" asked Mildred.

"Yes Ma'am. Very nice. Listen, I was wondering if it would be alright…I mean I am feeling better and this trip has been a help but…"

"Don't worry son," said Colonel Potter. "I told you before, you're welcome as long as you want."

"Thank you Colonel."

Potter nodded then slapped his hands on his thighs, "I better go feed Roxie and Buddy."

"Do you want some help?" asked Hawkeye.

"No you sit here and keep the Mrs. company. I'll be back in a little while."

Hawkeye sat down next to Mildred and the two of them swung back and forth slowly for a few minutes. "Would I be right in assuming that your husband has told you what we talked about?" he asked.

"I was worried about you after this morning. He told me what you said was troubling you."

"I'm sorry about this morning."

Mildred waved her hand in dismissal. "Oh pish tosh. I remember when Sherman came home from World War II It was months before the nightmares went away completely."

Hawkeye nodded.

"You know he used to send me letters about you. Well, about all of you but he often mentioned you in particular. He said you had the kindest heart he had ever seen. And the way he described how you cared for every patient no matter who they were or what side they were on, I remember I was afraid that the war would break a person like you. But when I told Sherman that, he said that you and the others were the strongest people he knew and that somehow you'd figure out a way through it together. Now I don't doubt that, not at all, but I do think that being strong doesn't mean being a stone. I can see the fear and pain in your eyes and I know you're trying to keep it in."

Hawkeye turned away at her words, he could feel the tears threatening and he was doing all he could to keep them at bay.

"Listen to me Hawkeye," Mildred continued. "You don't have to be afraid to feel. Feeling is what makes you the person my husband wrote me about. That's what makes you human."

Hawkeye couldn't hold back the tears and they began to roll down his cheeks and fall on his shirt. He felt a hand pulling at his shoulders and he found himself willingly leaning into Mrs. Potter's embrace. He missed his mother right then, more than he could remember missing her in a long time, but being held by another mother took away some of the pain. Pain he had been carrying around for far too long.

"Shh," she whispered. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." She held him until he'd cried out his tears. Then she kissed the top of his head as she remembered doing to her own children.

Hawkeye sat up and wiped at his eyes. Neither spoke, words weren't necessary at this point. They just sat side by side for several moments.

All of a sudden there was a shout. "Pierce! Get in here!"

Hawkeye jumped up and ran towards the barn where the voice had come from. When he got there he saw Colonel Potter kneeling beside Roxie who was obviously giving birth.

"I think the foal's coming the wrong way," Potter told him.

"Uh Colonel, I don't know anything about horses. Especially not how to birth one."

"I know that," Potter replied. "I just need your help. I'll tell you what to do. I need you to hold her head still while I take a closer look."

Hawkeye moved to Roxie's head and held it gently. Stroking her nose and making what he hoped were soothing sounds. After a moment Potter spoke again.

"Pierce we're going to have to help this little one out. Now you're a might stronger than me so I want you to do it."

Hawkeye just nodded and came around the back of the horse. He could see the legs beginning to emerge.

"Now what you do it grab the legs and rotate them towards Roxie's legs so that you can rotate the pelvis through. Got it?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay, I'm gonna hold Roxie still." He moved to the mare's side and placed a calming hand on her side. "Alright Pierce, go!"

Hawkeye took the foal's legs and rotated them while also pulling. In a matter of moments the foal came sliding out. Potter handed him a towel.

"Clean him off a little would you."

"Him?" said Hawkeye.

"Him," replied Potter.

Within two hours the placenta had been delivered and the new foal was standing and nursing. Hawkeye stood leaning against the pasture fence watching them. Potter came up and stood beside him.

"Kinda helps restore some faith doesn't it?"

"Yeah," was all Hawkeye could say.

"I was thinking," Potter continued, "that you should name him. Seeing as you delivered him."

Hawkeye thought for a moment and then smiled. "Mash," he said. "His name should be Mash."

Potter chuckled. "Mash huh? That's a mighty strange name for a horse."

"Fits though," said Hawkeye, watching the young horse trot around on unsteady legs.

"You're right," agreed Potter. "It does fit."

* * *

Four more days passed and with each one Hawkeye felt better. He had talked to BJ once more and had begun to see that the Colonel was right, they would never lose each other. But Margaret still plagued his thoughts and his dreams.

During the day he thought about how she'd felt in his arms, how her laugh had made him smile, and how her eyes looking at him over a surgical mask had always served to calm him.

At night he dreamt he was holding her, kissing her, just talking to her. But every dream ended the same way, he lost her. She drifted away and he couldn't chase after. He still wasn't sleeping through the night. He'd awake in a cold sweat and go sit on the porch, unable to fall asleep again.

Despite this, he knew it was time to go home. He told Colonel Potter he would leave the day after next. Colonel Potter asked where he was going to go and he replied, "Back to Maine. I have to get back to work."

This made Potter very happy but he knew that Hawkeye was not completely better yet, despite his desire to practice medicine again. He wished he could do something for the younger man but Margaret had seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. He had called around but no one could tell him where she was.

One Hawkeye's final night at the Potter's Mildred made a huge supper. They were just about to sit down when there was a knock at the door. Potter went to get it and a moment later they heard him exclaim, "Jumpin' jackrabbits!"

Hawkeye hurried to the front door and froze when he saw the figure pulling out of a hug with the Colonel.

"Margaret?" he said, not sure if he should believe she was here.

Margaret looked up and saw him standing there. "Hawkeye? What are you doing here?"

Hawkeye shrugged, unable to stop the smile that was creeping onto his face, "I guess this is the place wandering souls end up."

Margaret nodded. "I guess it is."

Then Hawkeye shook his head and crossed the distance between them, wrapping her in his arms and burying his face in her neck. He could feel her tears wetting his shirt. When they finally pulled back they stood nervously avoiding the other's eyes.

"So…" said Margaret, "do you think we could…"

"Well," replied Hawkeye looking at Potter.

Potter smiled and Hawkeye could swear there were tears in his eyes, "Dinner'll keep," he said. "Why don't you two go for a walk."

Hawkeye held the door for Margaret and the two of them made their way down the porch stairs into the fading dusk.

"I take it that was Major Houlihan," Mildred said coming to stand next to her husband.

"Yes siree," replied Potter, his voice heavy with emotion.

Mildred smiled, "I'll put some sheets in the other guest room."

_Author's note: I got the horse birthing information from an online website about horse care. I hope it's accurate._

_Please review._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"So what have you been up to?" Hawkeye asked.

"I was in Tokyo for two months," replied Margaret. "My father was in the hospital there."

"What for?"

"Heart attack."

"How's he doing?"

Margaret looked away, "He passed away."

Hawkeye put a hand on her shoulder, "I'm so sorry," he said. "I know the two of us didn't exactly see eye to eye, but I know how much he meant to you."

"Thanks," said Margaret. "We got to talk a lot at the end. I think we both finally came to the realization that we were relying on the other too much. I don't think I ever felt as close to him as I did those last few weeks. I'm glad that much could come out of it."

"What did you do after Tokyo?"

"Well, first I resigned my commission."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I didn't think my heart was in it anymore. The army has always been a part of who I am. I think I need to see what happens when I don't have that anymore. I want to be a nurse, but I want to do it without the army. I had to prove to myself that I could. So I've been working in a hospital in New York. They offered me the head nurse position."

"I have no doubt," said Hawkeye. "Even when we didn't get on so well I knew what a skilled nurse you were."

Margaret smiled, "That means a lot to me. What about you? What have you been doing?"

"Ah, well my story isn't as…well let's just say I haven't been doing as well as you."

"I'm not doing that well Pierce," Margaret said. "I couldn't do it anymore. I thought the happiest day of my life was the day they announced the end of the war. But there are days when I would give anything to be back at the 4077 again. I took some leave and came here. I didn't know where else to go and Colonel Potter always said we were all welcome."

"Well at least you came voluntarily," Hawkeye replied. "I was shipped here by my father."

"Why?"

They got to the pasture fence and stopped. In the dimming light Hawkeye could make out Roxie and Mash over on the other side. Margaret's question hung in the air but he wasn't sure how to answer. Explaining everything to the Colonel had been hard but that was nothing compared to having to tell Margaret what was wrong with him.

"Pierce…Hawkeye," Margaret began. "I know we weren't always the best of friends, but you mean a lot to me and I want you to know that nothing you tell me will make me think less of you."

Hawkeye looked at her and smiled sadly. "Don't make promises you can't keep. There are things I've done that I doubt you could ever forgive me for."

"This is one promise I am almost certain I can keep."

Hawkeye took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Did Sidney or the Colonel ever tell you why I cracked up?"

Margaret shook her head.

"That day on the bus, on the way back from the beach, we took on some wounded soldiers."

"And we had to get off the road until some North Koreans passed us. I remember."

"Yeah," said Hawkeye. "Well while we were waiting there was a woman with a baby. The baby wouldn't stop crying and I told the woman to keep it quiet. She…she killed it. Smothered it."

"Oh my god," Margaret gasped, putting a hand to her face. "We had no idea."

"Well neither did I for a while. My mind blocked it out. Took Sidney almost the whole time I was at that hospital to get me to remember."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I know that. Well, logically I know that. But I don't think the guilt will ever really go away."

"No," said Margaret, "I suppose not. But Hawkeye, we all did things over there we regret. I regret a lot of things, especially in that first year. When I think now about those men, those Chinese and North Koreans that I hesitated in helping…those Korean children I didn't think we should've been giving supplies to. There is so much I wish I could do differently."

"There's more."

"More what?"

"More to the reason my father sent me. I stopped practicing. I think that scared him more than anything else."

"You? Stop practicing? Why?"

"There were a lot of reasons. But mostly I felt like I'd left a part of me behind in Korea, and I was afraid it was the doctor part. You know, I talked to BJ and he seemed so happy and here I was miserable. I thought there must be something wrong with me and I couldn't practice knowing I might not be the person I was. I couldn't practice when I didn't think I could feel anything anymore."

"Oh Hawkeye," Margaret said, putting a hand on his arm.

"And you too Margaret."

"Me too what?" She let go of his arm but he caught her hand and held it in his own.

"I left you behind. That's a part of all of this. I stood there and watched you leave and there is nothing I regret more than that. Whether you know it or not, you took a part of me with you when you left on that jeep." He smiled, "I think I left it on your lips."

Margaret smiled and shook her head. But when she looked back up at him there were tears in her eyes. When one rolled down her cheek he reached up and brushed it away.

"What are we doing Hawkeye?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly. He leaned down and kissed her. The kiss was tentative, not like the last one they had shared. When he pulled away he felt his own eyes water. "I don't know what we're doing," he repeated. "And I don't know if it'll work. But I do know that I've never felt as happy as I did when I saw you at the door tonight. I'd thought I'd lost you and now I have a second chance. If you'll let me I want to prove that I won't blow it this time. I know this is a lot to lay on you and I don't have any expectations but, you touch something inside me Margaret. And I don't want to lose that feeling again."

Margaret let out a sob she had been holding in and leaned her head against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her as she listened to his heart beat. "I don't know if I can be the one to help you. I don't want to be a disappointment."

"You will never understand how much your just standing here helps me," Hawkeye whispered into her hair. "And you've been a lot of things to me over the years, but a disappointment was never one of them."

Margaret pulled away. "So what are we doing here?" she asked. "I mean what are we going to do?"

"How bout for a while we try just being, but this time we can do it together."

"I live in New York, you live in Maine."

"I don't care. I'll call you everyday…twice a day. I'll fly out on the weekends. I'll move to New York."

"No," Margaret said firmly. "Your home is in Maine. Your father is there. Your life is there."

"Would it be too clichéd to say that my life is wherever you are?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't make it untrue."

Margaret leaned up and kissed him. She started to pull away but felt his hands on her face, deepening the kiss. They stayed in this embrace for what seemed like years before. Hawkeye finally tore his lips from hers.

"I'm coming to Maine," she said once they'd caught their breaths.

"Margaret I can't ask you to quit your job and move."

"But it's okay for you to move?"

"That's different. I don't have a job. You shouldn't…"

Margaret put a hand to his mouth to stop him. "I can be a nurse almost anywhere." She moved her hand to cup his cheek. "Your home is in Maine. Besides, after all the non-stop chattering you did about Crabapple Cove, I think I deserve to see it."

Hawkeye smiled and kissed her again briefly. "Okay," he said. "We'll go to Maine."

"Good," she said.

Just then they heard a sound coming from the other side of the fence. They looked down to see Mash standing near them, sticking his nose between the logs. Hawkeye kneeled down and petted the foal. Over the few days he had grown quite fond of the young horse and the feeling seemed to mutual.

"He beautiful," said Margaret.

"I helped birth him," Hawkeye told her. "He was coming out breech. Colonel Potter let me name him."

"What's his name?"

"Mash."

Margaret smiled. "I like it. A reminder that good things can come of bad situations."

Hawkeye looked up at her and marveled at her beauty in the setting sunlight. "Come on," he said after a moment. "We should go back inside and figure things out." He stood up and reached out for her. She laced her fingers through his and they walked back to the house hand in hand.

* * *

Hours later, after they'd eaten dinner with the Potters, and made plans to go to New York and get Margaret's stuff and then drive her car back to Maine, Hawkeye lay in bed staring at the ceiling. With Margaret back in his life he felt like a new person, but it still didn't make sleeping easier. His dreams were still haunting him and staying awake still seemed like the best option.

Realizing he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep Hawkeye got up and wrapped himself in his old red bathrobe. He quietly opened the door and made his way down the hallway. As he passed Margaret's room he heard a noise from within. He'd had enough nightmares in his time to recognize the sound of one and he quickly opened the door.

Margaret was lying in bed tossing and turning. Her eyes were closed tightly and Hawkeye thought he could make out the word "no" being repeated over and over again. He closed the door behind him and walked quickly to the side of the bed.

"Margaret," he said, sitting on the edge of the bed and placing a hand on her arm. "Margaret wake up."

Margaret woke with a start and lashed out at Hawkeye before realizing it was him and falling into his arms. "Oh god," she said, "I can't get it out of my head."

"What?" asked Hawkeye as he rocked gently.

Margaret pulled back and looked at him. "The reason I left the hospital in New York. The reason I came here. I keep seeing wounded. So many wounded. And they all cry out for me to help them and I don't. It's not that I can't, I just don't. It's like I feel…"

"Numb?" finished Hawkeye.

"Yes."

"I feel that way too. Sometimes I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel like anymore."

"Hawkeye?"

"Yeah?"

"Stay with me tonight?"

"You mean sleep here?"

Margaret shook her head. She took one of his hands and placed it on her waist. "I mean be with me."

Hawkeye looked at her with surprise, "Margaret are you sure? We don't have to do this. We can wait. I can just sleep here tonight."

"I'm sure," said Margaret.

She reached up and put her hand behind his neck, stroking the short hairs and causing him to shiver. He leaned down and kissed her softly. Pulling back slightly he kissed her nose and eyes.

"I love you," he said. "I want you to know that before anything else happens."

"I love you too," she said before he captured her lips with his.

Much later they lay together. Margaret traced patterns on the arm that was wrapped around her waist. Hawkeye kissed the back of her neck. "You make me feel," he said.

Hawkeye and Margaret walked in silence for several minutes.

_Please review_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The next morning Hawkeye woke up and was disoriented for a moment. He couldn't remember the last time he'd woken up actually feeling rested. Then he remembered where he was and smiled. Margaret's head was leaning back against his chest and he gently brushed a strand of hair off her forehead. She stirred a little and then opened her eyes, turning in his arms so she was facing him.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi."

He tilted his head and kissed her. "I should probably go back to my room."

"You afraid Colonel Potter will be angry if he catches you in here?"

"I'm afraid Colonel Potter will horsewhip me if he catches me in here."

Margaret laughed, "Hawkeye," she said rolling her eyes.

Hawkeye kissed her temple lightly. "Hey Margaret?"

"Yes?"

"Would you do something for me?"

"Anything."

Hawkeye raised an eyebrow, "Anything?"

Margaret slapped his chest.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry," Margaret said smiling. "What did you want to ask me?"

Hawkeye looked down slightly, as if embarrassed. "Would you call me Ben?"

"Really?"

He nodded. "No one but my dad and my mom when she was alive call me Ben. I want you to as well."

Margaret almost cried at the softness of his voice and the openness he was showing by asking her this. She leaned forward and kissed him passionately. "Okay…Ben."

Hawkeye smiled and his twinkling eyes made Margaret smile in return. She had been afraid she's never see his smile again, and now here it was just for her.

"I really should go," repeated Hawkeye, pulling back the covers and gathering his clothes. He slipped on his pants and made his way to the door. He had his hand on the knob before he stopped and turned around. He walked to the side of the bed and bent down, kissing Margaret gently. "I love you," he said. Before she could respond in kind he'd left the room. Margaret stared after him, a smile playing on her lips.

Hawkeye closed the bedroom door and moved to head into his own room when he ran straight into Mrs. Potter.

"Good morning Hawkeye," she said brightly. "Did you sleep well?"

Hawkeye closed his eyes and sighed. "Mrs. Potter, we didn't mean for this to happen. She had a nightmare and I went in there to wake her up and one thing led to another and…"

"You can stop right there young man, I don't think I need to hear anymore. I want to ask you three questions."

"Okay."

"Do you love her?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Will you treat her well?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Does she love you?"

Hawkeye smiled a little. "Yeah she does," he said.

"Well then I see no reason to tell my husband anything other than those three things."

Hawkeye's smile widened. "Mrs. Potter I thank you on behalf of all my unbroken bones."

Mildred laughed and patted his arm. "You're a good man Hawkeye. She's lucky to have found you again."

"My luck far outweighs hers. Let me assure you."

Hawkeye went back to his room and changed closed before making his way downstairs. Mrs. Potter was taking eggs out of the refrigerator and Hawkeye stopped her.

"Why don't you let me make breakfast Mrs. Potter," he said.

"Are you sure? You don't have to do that."

"I know I don't. But you've done so much for me I want to make breakfast for you."

Mildred smiled. "Alright then. I'll make some coffee."

Hawkeye nodded and went to work. He made scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. The smell of which soon brought the other two occupants of the house downstairs.

"Pierce cooking?" said Colonel Potter walking into the kitchen. "Now I've seen it all."

"Hey don't mock me till you've tried it. Dad and I had to learn how after my mom died."

"Let's just hope you didn't swap recipes from the cook at the 4077," said Margaret coming to stand next to him.

"Believe me," replied Hawkeye. "I don't think the way to repay the Potters for everything they've done is to poison them."

Colonel Potter smiled as he watched Hawkeye and Margaret joke. This was not the same man who'd come off the plane looking like death warmed over. And this was not the same woman who'd shown up on his doorstep the previous night. They were beginning to resemble the people he'd known in Korea, the people he'd come to love as children.

The food was surprisingly good. Hawkeye refused to tell the secret of his scrambled eggs but Potter had to admit they were tasty. Conversation over breakfast was light and Hawkeye's joking was a happy change from his earlier demeanor.

"Oh Ben," said Margaret as they were clearing the dishes. "I should call the airport and try to get tickets for tomorrow. And you need to call your father. I want to make sure it's okay with him that I'm coming."

"Are you kidding?" asked Hawkeye. "He's going to be thrilled. He's wanted to meet you ever since my letter's home stopped referring to you as 'Hotlips'"

Margaret smacked him in the arm then moved to put the dirty plates into the sink.

Colonel Potter turned to his wife. "Since when does she call him 'Ben'?" he whispered.

Later that morning Hawkeye called his dad and told him that he would be making a stop in New York before coming home. When Hawkeye told him why, Daniel Pierce gave a happy cry.

"I'm bringing her back with me Dad."

"You going to marry this girl?"

"Someday Dad. Right now we're just gonna live a little."

"What about work?"

"I'm gonna talk to the people at Portland and see if they have room for a surgeon, and possibly a nurse."

At this Daniel almost cried. He had been so afraid Hawkeye would never be able to perform surgery again and it had broken his heart to see his son's skill going unused because of the damned war.

"Dad? Dad are you alright?"

"Yeah Hawk I'm fine," he replied, unable to stop his voice from cracking a little. "I'm just very glad to hear that."

"I know Dad. Anyway we'll be in New York tomorrow and I'll call you then. But we should be home in about a week, if not sooner."

"That sounds great Ben. I'll talk to you soon. Give Margaret a kiss for me and tell the Colonel I say thank you."

"Will do," said Hawkeye. "Bye Dad."

"Bye Ben."

Hawkeye hung up the phone and walked into the living room where Colonel Potter and Margaret were sitting on the couch. Hawkeye leaned over and kissed Margaret's cheek. "That's from my father," he said. Then he turned to the Colonel. "Who also told me to thank you. And I wanted to thank you too."

Potter waved his hand in dismissal. "No thanks necessary. Now, this is your last day here and I think we should celebrate."

"Well what do you suggest Colonel?" asked Margaret.

"Let's go into town. They're having a big spring festival this weekend."

Margaret looked over and Hawkeye, raising her eyebrows.

Hawkeye grinned, "Sounds good to me. But I warn you, I'm pretty critical when it comes to festivals. They usually can't hold a candle to the…"

"Crabapple Cove Lobster Festival," said Colonel Potter rolling his eyes. "I think I've heard this one already."

XXXXXXXXX

It was getting dark by the time the four of them got back from the festival, which even Hawkeye had to admit had been great. The three Korean vets were still savoring real food even this long after the war had ended so the plethora of homemade goods were a treat.

Because Hawkeye and Margaret's flight left fairly early and they would have to leave the Potter's even earlier to get to the airport, everyone went to bed soon after returning to the house.

This time, Hawkeye didn't wait long before getting out of bed and making his way into Margaret's room. "Hey," he whispered as he climbed into bed next to her.

Margaret scooted over to give him room. Once he was situated she curled up next to him and he wrapped his arms around her waist. "I have to tell you," he said, "I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to sleep any other way from now on."

Margaret laughed quietly.

"You laugh but I'm serious. This could be the start of a chronic sleep disorder."

"Pierce?"

"Yes."

"Shut up and go to sleep."

"Yes Major."

XXXXXXXXXX

_Next chapter will be longer I promise. Please review._


	7. Chapter 7

_Sorry for the wait. But this is a longer chapter to make up for it._

**Chapter 7**

The next morning Hawkeye and Margaret loaded their things into Colonel Potter's car. They said their goodbyes to Mildred, Hawkeye blushing slightly when the older woman kissed his cheek and told him to take care of himself.

The drive to the airport was uneventful but it was all too soon that the three comrades stood in front of the gate, unsure of how to say goodbye.

Margaret moved first. Wrapping her arms around the man who'd been such a strength and comfort to her. "At least now I know for sure that I'm not saying goodbye forever," she whispered.

"I think you may have taken my advice to have a good life."

Margaret laughed as she pulled away and glanced over at Hawkeye who was looking on, "Maybe," she replied smiling. Then she kissed the Colonel's cheek and moved so Hawkeye could say his goodbyes.

The two men stood staring at their feet.

"You know Colonel," Hawkeye said at last, "the last time we said goodbye I was afraid to hug you cause I thought you'd slug me. Do I still need to be afraid of that?"

Colonel Potter laughed. "No son," he said.

Hawkeye moved forward and hugged Potter. "Thank you Colonel."

Potter patted his back. "You take care of yourself, and her," he said.

"I will," replied Hawkeye pulling away.

"Tell you father I say hi."

"I will," Hawkeye repeated.

"And remember, you're both always welcome here. Just say the word."

"Thank you."

"Okay, now get out of here."

Margaret and Hawkeye laughed and made their way towards the plane. Hawkeye looked back and he could swear the Colonel was wiping away tears.

XXXXXXXXXX

A week later Hawkeye and Margaret pulled up outside Daniel Pierce's two story brick house. When they got out of the car Margaret could smell and hear the ocean. A man was standing on the porch and even had she met him on the street somewhere, she'd have known he was Hawkeye's father. He was tall, lanky, and looked just like his son.

"Hey Dad," called Hawkeye as he made his way up the stairs.

Daniel embraced his son. "It's good to see you smile," he said.

Hawkeye pulled back, "You wanna meet the reason?" he asked grinning. Reaching out a hand he pulled Margaret up the stairs. "Dad, this is Margaret Houlihan. Margaret, this is my dad Daniel Pierce."

"It's good to finally meet you young lady," Daniel said. "Ben's told me a lot about you."

"Same here," replied Margaret.

"Well, we might as well start over then because we both know that nothing that he says can be accurate."

"True," Margaret agreed.

"Hey what is this?" Hawkeye asked with mock hurt.

Daniel took Margaret's arm in his and led her into the house. "Come on my dear. We'll let him get your stuff."

"Oh yeah no problem. I'll see you in a few hours then," Hawkeye called after them. He turned back to the car full of suitcases and sighed, but he was smiling.

"So Ben," Daniel said later that night when they'd finally sat down to dinner dinner. Daniel had made beef stew for the three of them earlier that day but since they hadn't arrived until around 8pm, it was almost 9 when they'd started eating. "What are your plans for work?"

"Well I talked to the people at Portland General and they're willing to hire me on a trial basis."

"Why a trial basis?"

Hawkeye paused and took a bite of food. "I think they think I'm unstable."

Margaret looked at him, "You didn't tell me that. Why do they think you're unstable?"

"Because I left so quickly and without notice last time," Hawkeye said quietly.

The three of them were silent for a while, unsure of what to say next.

"And what about you?" Daniel asked Margaret.

"Well, the hospital doesn't need another nurse so I guess I'll keep looking around until I find something."

"Hey!" exclaimed Daniel, "I have an idea, why don't you come work with me in the clinic."

Hawkeye looked at Margaret and raised an eyebrow. "I hadn't thought of that," he said.

"Are you sure?" Margaret asked.

"Of course. I could use some help in there. The nurse I had working for me for thirty years just retired. It'd be great."

Margaret smiled. She'd known this man for only a matter of hours but already felt close to him. He had a way about him that endeared her to him almost immediately. His warm nature reminded her a lot of Hawkeye. Especially during the war. She had always admired his ability to gain the respect and trust of the soldiers so quickly. And now she suspected it was an inherited trait.

"That sounds wonderful Dr. Pierce."

"Oh come now. None of that Dr. Pierce nonsense. Call me Daniel. Even my patients call me Daniel."

"Okay Daniel. I'd love to come work with you."

"Ben when do you start at the hospital?"

"Monday."

"Well that sounds good. Margaret you can start then too if you like."

"That's fine," Margaret replied. Hawkeye reached over and squeezed her hand.

"Well," said Daniel as he stood and put his plate into the sink, "I have some paperwork to do and then I am going to bed. Can you take care of the dishes Ben?"

"Sure Dad."

"Thanks." He patted his Hawkeye's shoulder, "It's good to have you home." Then he kissed Margaret's cheek. "I'm glad he finally found you my dear. I think you may be just what he needs."

Margaret blushed.

Daniel was about to head upstairs when Hawkeye stopped him. "Hey Dad," he said. "About sleeping arrangements."

Daniel smiled, "You're a big boy son. I'm not going to pretend not to know what's what. You two keep it quiet and I don't care where you sleep."

"Thanks."

Daniel put a hand to his son's face. "I love you son," he said. "And if that woman in there makes you half as happy as she seems to, then I'm not about to come in between it at all."

"I love you too Dad," Hawkeye said.

Daniel smiled and headed upstairs. Hawkeye watched him disappear into his room before making his way back to the kitchen. Margaret was already washing the plates.

"I'll do that," he said. "You don't have to."

"I don't mind," Margaret replied. "What were you talking to your father about?" she asked as she turned off the water and dried her hands.

"Sleeping arrangements."

"What did he say?"

"He said that as long as we're quiet he doesn't care where we sleep."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. I was thinking the bathtub but we can stay in my room if you'd prefer."

Margaret laughed. "So what did BJ have to say when you called him earlier?"

"Oh the usual. Erin's getting big. She's starting to learn to read and count."

"Are they going to try for another baby?"

"I get the feeling that might be the case but he didn't say. I know he's been really busy. He's had to pick up some extra shifts at the hospital."

"Why?"

"Two surgeons quit in one week. One opened his own practice and one ran off with his secretary to Hawaii. BJ says that the one who ran off reminded him a lot of Frank so the loss wasn't that great. But the other one, the one who opened his own practice was more like Charles so they did lose some talent."

"So another kid has taken a back burner for a while?" said Margaret.

"I think so." They stood in silence, but it was a comfortable silence. Margaret was standing next to the sink and Hawkeye was leaning against the table. He reached out and touched her face. "How're you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I know this can't be easy for you. Picking up and moving with only a few days notice."

"I've been doing that my whole life."

"True," Hawkeye replied smiling, "but it's a little different this time."

"I like it here Ben. Your father's wonderful and this place…well it's not like anywhere I've ever lived before. Who knows what'll happen tomorrow but for now, I'm happy here."

"Good. Now let's go unpack some and then go to sleep. I'm exhausted."

Hawkeye led her up the stairs and into his old bedroom. They unpacked their clothes and put them into his closet and dresser. Then they got ready for bed and crawled under the old quilt. The weariness from driving that day began to take its toll and within minutes Hawkeye was asleep.

Margaret, however, did not fall asleep quite so quickly. She listened to Hawkeye's steady breathing, her head resting in the crook of his shoulder. She was so pleased by the change in Hawkeye over the last week. He'd been happier, more carefree. But she could sense that there was still anxiety waiting right beneath the surface. She wasn't sure if he even realized it was there.

Her thoughts were racing but they were soon quieted by the sounds of the ocean that were coming in from the open window. The rolling waves soon lulled her into sleep.

XXXXXXXXXX

Margaret soon that knew her fears about Hawkeye's wellbeing had not been unfounded. The happiness and calm that he had had at the Potter's and for the weeks they spent in New York was gone. In its place, Hawkeye had become withdrawn and quiet. Not sullen, just sad.

She knew he loved her. She could see it in his eyes when he looked at her from across the dinner table, hear it in his voice when he asked how her day had been, it radiated off his body when they made love, and she could feel it in his arms as he held her each night. She also knew that he was unhappy at work, but she feared that something else was wrong as well.

After dinner about five weeks after they first arrived in Maine, Margaret suggested the two of them go for a walk. Hawkeye agreed and soon they were walking hand in hand along the beach. They walked to their favorite spot, a small rock cluster, and sat down on one of the smooth rocks. Margaret sat in between his legs, leaning back against his chest, his arms around her loosely.

They were silent for several minutes before Margaret spoke. "Do you remember when I thought I was pregnant that time in Korea?"

"Of course I do. I'll never be able to forget operating on a rabbit."

Margaret smiled. "I was so afraid," she continued, "I didn't know what to think or feel. And then you were there. You offered me help with no questions asked. And you were so happy."

"Are you trying to tell me that you're pregnant?"

"No," said Margaret quickly. "That's not what I'm saying at all."

"I'm not saying that would be a horrible thing but I just don't think we're ready."

"I agree."

"What are you trying to say then?"

Margaret paused a moment to gather her thoughts. "That whole thing in the abandoned hut was so awkward and I didn't think there was any way I'd ever feel anything but friendship towards you again…"

"I thought we agreed never to speak about that night," Hawkeye joked.

"We did. Sorry. But I wanted to make a point."

"Which was?"

"I think I started to fall in love with you that day when you did the pregnancy test. You were happy about the situation even though I couldn't be. Somehow that made it better and I loved you for it. But it was your ability to put our entire past aside to help me that meant the most. One thing I love so much about you is your ability to listen, to gain the confidence of others. But I want you to know that you don't have to do it for yourself, I can be that person for you."

"I'm pretty sure I don't understand."

Margaret turned in his arms and traced her hand over his forehead, brushing his hair away from his eyes. "I know something's bothering you," she said softly. "It's been getting worse and worse since we got here. You're unhappy and I'm not sure why. But I want to help."

Hawkeye was silent.

"Ben please."

"I don't know how to tell you."

"You can tell me anything. Remember, two ears, no waiting."

Hawkeye smiled and kissed her lightly. When he pulled back he did not speak for a while and Margaret decided to let him tell her when he was ready. "I don't know if I can stay here," he said at last.

"Here as in on the beach?"

"Here as in Crabapple Cove. Here as in Maine."

This was the last thing Margaret expected. "Why not?" she asked.

"Because I don't belong here anymore. All these people I knew don't know who I am now. The people at the hospital think I'm gonna go crazy and runaway or kill someone or something. None of the doctors have any idea of what happened in Korea and have never seen war. I can't relate to them, not even through medicine. I could always relate to any doctor through medicine but not them. And the people in town, they want me to be the old Hawkeye and while I think there's still a lot of him in there, it's not all of who I am anymore. You and my father are the only ones within a hundred miles who are okay with that."

"I had no idea," said Margaret.

"I thought it was just me at first. That I'd stop feeling like this after a while. But I don't think it's going away any time soon. And then there's you."

"Me?"

"No, not you really but the things I hear people say. I hear them whispering in town about us. About us living in sin. About my father for letting us. Don't get me wrong, I want to marry you. I never want to be without you again. But it isn't any of their business and I don't like what they've been saying."

"I hear it too," Margaret confessed. "But I try to ignore it. Because I know they don't understand."

"That's just it. It's another way they don't understand."

"So what do you want to do?"

Hawkeye sighed, "This is that part that's hard."

"Why?"

Hawkeye's head fell. "Because I feel like you gave up so much to move with me here and now I want to leave."

"Ben look at me."

Hawkeye looked back up at her.

"It's like what you said that first night at Colonel Potter's. As cliché as it is, my home is with you. I know you can be happy because I saw it for a while. But if you can't be happy here, then let's go somewhere where you can.

"Do you mean that"

"Yes. Did you have someplace in mind?"

"Yeah actually. San Francisco. BJ told me the other day they still haven't replaced one of the surgeons that left."

Margaret smiled. "I think that's a great idea."

"Are you sure. You have a job here. And I know you've gotten pretty close with my father."

"Yes I have. But I think this move is the right thing to do. We have to start our life together and I'm not sure if we can do that here."

"Yeah, about that. I had another request to make of you."

"Okay."

"If we do this, and I still have to talk to my father and to BJ and figure out where we'll live and all that but if we do this there's always one thing I wanted to do here that I think we should do first."

"What's that?"

"Get married."

Margaret was speechless. This was not what she had expected him to say at all.

"I want to get married here, with my father, on the beach. We can invite anyone you want and we'll set them up with places to stay. But I want to marry you. And I don't think we should wait any more."

"Is this because of what people have been saying?"

"No," Hawkeye said adamantly. "This is because I love you. I was afraid to ask the night we met again at Colonel Potter's because I thought it would scare you off. And I waited this long because you rushed into things with Donald and I know that marriage left you hurt and I was afraid you'd say no because of those things. But I realized I had to take the chance."

"You're right, I did rush into things with Donald and my marriage did leave me hurt and alone and confused. I don't want to ever feel like that again."

"I can't promise that I'll never hurt you," said Hawkeye. "No one can promise that. But I promise that as long as I can, I will do my best to make you happy."

"I know you will."

"So what do you say? Will you marry me?"

Margaret wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him as best as she could from their sitting positions. "Yes I'll marry you."

Hawkeye grinned and hugged her back. Then he pulled away and fished into his pocket. "Here," he said as he slipped a ring onto her finger.

"Ben it's beautiful," Margaret said. Admiring the white gold diamond ring.

"It was my mother's," he said. "And my father's mother's before her."

"Thank you," she said, hugging him again.

Suddenly Hawkeye pulled back and jumped up. "She said yes!" he shouted to the ocean. And for the first time in days he laughed out loud. "She said yes!" He grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. "Come on," he said. "I have to talk to Dad. Let me tell him about California before we tell him about the engagement."

"Okay. But you should probably call BJ before you talk to your dad. You don't want to tell him we're moving until we find out for sure that we are."

"Good idea. Let's go."

Back at the house Hawkeye went into the study and picked up the phone. He told the operator what number he wanted and then waited as the other end rang three times.

"Hello?"

"Peg?"

"Yes this is she."

"Hi it's Hawkeye."

"Oh Hawkeye it's good to hear from you."

"Yeah, I didn't get a chance to talk to you the last time I called. How are you? How's Erin?"

"I'm fine. Erin's great. She wants to meet you. BJ's been telling her all kinds of stories and she really wants to meet her 'Uncle Hawk.'"

Hawkeye laughed, "Well she just might get a chance."

"Really? Are you going to visit?"

"Let me talk to BJ and we'll see."

"Okay, I'll get him."

Hawkeye waited before BJ's voice came over the line.

"Hawkeye?"

"Hey Beej. How's it going?"

"Not bad. You just calling to chat?"

"Not exactly. I have two things to ask you."

"Okay, one?"

"Do you have any time off coming up?"

"A little. Why?"

"Margaret and I are getting married."

"Really? That's great Hawk! Congratulations!"

"Thanks. We're not sure when it's going to be yet but it's going to be soon, it's going to be out here, bring Peg and Erin, and I want you to be my best man."

"Of course Hawk. We'll be there."

"Great. I'll let you know more in a couple of days."

"What's the other thing?"

"Huh?"

"Not that you need another thing but you said you had to ask me two things."

"Well, I was wondering if the hospital ever replaced that second surgeon who quit."

"No they haven't. It's been better only being short one but it's still kinda crazy here."

"Well do you think there's anyway I could lessen the craziness?"

"You? Lessen craziness? I doubt it. But what do you mean?"

"I mean I want the job. Do you think I could get it?"

There was silence on the other end.

"Beej?" said Hawkeye after a moment. "Beej you there?"

"Are you serious? You want to move out here?"

"Yeah we do. I can't stay here anymore Beej. I'm drowning here."

"We'd be working together again!" cried BJ.

"So I take it you think I could get the job?"

"I'm almost positive. Let me talk to my boss and I'll call you tomorrow. But I'm sure he'd be fine with it. He trusts my judgment."

"Fool," joked Hawkeye.

"Hey now, don't start that."

"I don't start anything I can't finish. I'll hear from you tomorrow then?"

"For sure. I'm so excited Hawk," BJ said seriously.

"Me too Beej. Kiss Peg and Erin for me."

"I will. Bye."

"Bye."

Hawkeye hung up the phone and went back into the living room where Margaret and his father were playing gin rummy. Hawkeye caught Margaret's eye and she understood his meaning. Excusing herself to take a shower she left the two Pierce men alone. Hawkeye sat down on the couch next to his dad.

"How's BJ?" Daniel asked.

"He's good. They all are."

"And how are you?"

Hawkeye took a breath. "I need to talk to you Dad."

Daniel saw the seriousness in his son's voice and turned to face him. "What is it Ben?"

"Margaret and I," he said after a moment, "well, we're getting married."

"Well that's great son! That's fantastic! Congratulations!" Daniel pulled Hawkeye into a hug. "I'm so happy for you. She's one of a kind. Like your mother."

"Yeah she is, isn't she."

"One of a kind," repeated Daniel.

"There's more Dad. And I this isn't easy for me, I want you to know that. But it's something I think we have to do."

"What's that?"

"We're leaving."

Daniel was struck dumb. "Leaving?" he said at last. "What do you mean?"

"Moving," replied Hawkeye. "After the wedding."

"Where?"

"San Francisco."

Realization dawned on Daniel. "BJ," he said.

"His hospital is looking for a surgeon. I can't stay here anymore. I don't belong here anymore. Another casualty of that damn war."

"I know," admitted Daniel. "I wondered how long it would take you before you realized that this place was never going to make you as happy as you could be. As you should be."

"I wanted it to Dad. I wanted so much to come back and have everything be the same but it can't be."

"No it can't be."

"I don't want to leave you."

"I know you don't."

"You could come with us you know."

"It's okay Ben. I'll be okay. You have to go and start a life. I'm gonna miss you terribly. Margaret too. But you have to go, and I have to stay."

Hawkeye leaned forward and hugged his father. "I'm sorry Dad. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay son," said Daniel, patting his back. "I have a feeling we're both going to be fine."

XXXXXXXXXX

_Please review_


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry for the wait, been having some writers block with this story._

**Chapter 8**

The next few weeks flew by. BJ was able to get Hawkeye an interview. Hawkeye and Margaret flew out to San Francisco and within twenty minutes Hawkeye had impressed Chief Surgeon David Haskell so much that he offered him the job right then and there.

Margaret was also able to find a job as a nurse at a local clinic. Though hospital positions were available, the time she had spent working with Hawkeye's father had made her realize how much she liked working in a small doctor's office. The rest of the five day trip was spent hanging out with the Hunnicutts, house hunting, and planning the wedding.

Margaret and Peg had become fast friends as BJ always suspected they would. Hawkeye and Peg also got along great, Peg immediately taken with his humor and charm. He was exactly as BJ had described him and she was thrilled to meet the man she had heard so much about.

Erin was instantly taken with her new aunt and uncle. She adored Hawkeye and the two of them became buddies almost at once. The first night they were there, Erin demanded that Hawkeye read her a bedtime story. Margaret's fear that he would always be uncomfortable around small children was quickly put to rest when she peeked in and saw Hawkeye sitting next to Erin on her bed reading a story, she was leaning up against him and the peaceful look on his face told Margaret she had little to worry about.

By the time BJ dropped them off at the airport to return to Maine, Margaret and Hawkeye had closed the deal on a house about four blocks from where the Hunnicutts lived. They had set the date for the wedding to be three weeks from then. After promising them that he, Peg, and Erin would be in Crabapple Cove in two weeks, BJ hugged his friends and watched them get on their plane.

Back in Maine there was a lot to do. Margaret and Hawkeye wanted a small wedding but there was still a lot to take care of. And on top of that, they had to pack and be ready to go to California when they got back from their honeymoon. BJ and Peg came out with Erin the week before the wedding to help but it was still pretty crazy right up until the afternoon before the ceremony.

At around one, the five adults plus Erin were just finishing lunch when the doorbell rang. Margaret opened the front door and exclaimed in delight when she saw the man standing on the porch.

"Charles!" she said. She moved forward to hug him and to her surprise there was no stiffness as he returned the embrace.

"Margaret," he replied. "You have not changed a bit."

"Hey there Chuckles," said Hawkeye as he and BJ came to the door. Margaret moved aside so Charles could enter the house.

"Pierce and Hunnicutt," Charles said with a wry grin. "I guess it's too much to hope for that you've changed at all?"

"I'm not sure," said BJ. "Have we changed at all Hawk?"

Hawkeye looked at BJ before snapping his fingers. "I remember, I used to stand on that side of you."

"Ah that's right," replied BJ. He and Hawkeye switched sides and looked back at Charles.

"Better?" asked Hawkeye.

Charles shook his head in exasperation but he was smiling. Hawkeye reached out his hand and Charles shook it.

"It's good to see you again Charles," Hawkeye said, the joking gone from his voice for a moment.

"Yeah," said BJ, shaking Charles's hand as well, "me too."

"You know," Charles told them, "I used to think that I would never meet a worse pair of ill-bred, loathsome men as yourselves. After a year I've realized that I was right…but," he added at his former roommates' indignant looks, "I also realized that as much as it pains me to say it, I've missed you."

Hawkeye and BJ were both taken aback by the other man's sincere comment. They looked at each other and grinned. Then they lunged forward and grabbed Charles in a group hug.

"Oh Charles we knew that war would turn you into a sap."

Charles pulled himself out of their arms. "Hardly," he said. "If you ever repeat what I have told you I want you to remember that I have ways of retaliating."

"What are you gonna do Charles?" asked Hawkeye. "Start playing that French horn again?"

"Been back together five minutes and you're already at each other's throats huh?" a new voice chimed in. "If you three aren't the craziest lot I've ever met."

"Colonel Potter!" cried BJ.

Everyone looked to see the Colonel and Mildred Potter walk in the door.

"I hope you don't mind," said Potter, "the door was open so we thought we'd join the party."

"Of course," said Margaret, "come in come in."

Once hugs went around and sleeping arrangements had been made, the Potters and the Hunnicutts were staying at the house while the rest of the guests would be staying at the Crabapple Cove Inn, everyone moved outside to sit on the porch. They talked and laughed and recounted stories, both good and bad.

"Do you remember the time we stole Margaret's tent?" BJ asked a couple of hours later.

Charles laughed, "If I remember correctly, she beat us with a pillow."

Hawkeye was doubled over at the memory.

"Well if I remember correctly, the three of you were not laughing for long," Colonel Potter interjected.

"What happened?" asked Peg. She had been enjoying hearing all the stories the war vets were telling. She had heard many of them before from BJ but never told with this much emotion and never hearing more than one side.

"Colonel Potter had told us that some big strict army official was coming and we weren't to play any practical jokes," BJ answered.

"But it was April Fools time and we couldn't resist," Hawkeye added.

"Right after they stole my tent the Colonel's friend comes into camp and comes down on us hard," Margaret continued. "Then later he threatened to have us all discharged."

"Oh my," said Mildred Potter. "What did you do?"

"We did the only thing we could think of," replied Hawkeye, "we nailed him."

"We put a bucket of beer above his head in the officer's club and then dumped it on him when he demanded a beer to go with his shot," BJ elaborated.

"We did not, however," said Charles, "anticipate that the man would have a heart attack."

Peg gasped. "What happened?"

"Well we try to help him and he calls for Hawkeye," BJ said.

"Yeah," Hawkeye jumped in, "and when I get there he looks at me and says 'April Fools.'"

Everyone was laughing now except Peg, Mildred, and Daniel who had yet to understand.

"The whole thing was a set up," Margaret explained. "He and Colonel Potter had planned it for weeks."

"Colonel Potter duped us all," BJ said.

"And I took my hat off to you Sir," Hawkeye added.

Now everyone was laughing.

"Is this a private officer's party or are enlisted men invited too?"

All eyes turned towards the driveway where Radar O'Reilly stood next to a young woman.

Hawkeye jumped up and made his way down the steps to where Radar was standing. "Enlisted men are always welcome," he said. "But I'm afraid you have to be at least this tall to join us." He held out his hand just above Radar's head.

"Hey cut that out!" Radar exclaimed. But he was smiling up at the man who'd been like an older brother.

Hawkeye smiled in return and hugged the younger man. "How've you been Radar?"

"Pretty good. I gotta say I was pretty shocked when I got the invitation. I don't think I ever thought you and Major Houlihan would ever get married as man and wife."

"Well things change," said Hawkeye as Margaret came down to stand next to him. He put an arm around her shoulders and looked back to Radar.

"Hello Major Houlihan. Congratulations."

"Thank you Radar. But drop the Major Houlihan. I'm not in the army anymore. Call me Margaret."

"Yes Ma'am…I mean Margaret. Gee, you've really changed too."

"Speaking of changes," said Hawkeye, "who's this beautiful young woman you have with you here?"

"Oh, this is Patty. She's my uh…she's my…"

Patty shook her head and reached out to shake hands with Hawkeye and Margaret. "I'm Walter's girlfriend," she told them.

"It's nice to meet you. I'm Hawkeye Pierce. I taught little Walter here all he knows about women."

"More like what not to do," Margaret scoffed.

"Hey!"

"Well it's true Hawkeye," Radar said.

"I feel as though I'm being attacked," said Hawkeye as the four of them went back up onto the porch.

"Radar," said BJ as he stood to shake the younger man's hand. "You little Romeo. You didn't tell us you were bringing a girl."

Radar shrugged. Colonel Potter stood and stuck out his hand as well. "How are you son?" he asked.

"I'm doing real good Colonel." He leaned in and whispered, "I think I found my girl."

Colonel Potter laughed and hugged the young man. "I'm glad Radar." He pulled back and shook Patty's hand. "Pleasure to meet you young lady."

"Me too sir. Walter talks about you all the time."

Radar and Patty joined the others and the group began laughing and telling stories again.

Trapper showed up soon after. Hawkeye embraced him heartily before smacking him upside the head.

"What was that for?" asked Trapper.

"All those months cooped up together and you don't even have the decency to leave a goodbye note?"

"Hey! I had five minutes to catch a plane. I wanted to leave a note but there was too much to say. And I didn't want to go all sappy on you anyway."

Hawkeye laughed and then his face became more serious. "It's good to see you Trap."

"You too," replied Trapper, hugging him again.

"Now come on up here and meet some people. BJ Hunnicutt's been hearing about you for years. Don't want to disappoint him."

"Me? I never disappoint anyone."

"You disappointed me," another voice said. "You were such a tease. Tell me my clothes were beautiful and then never call."

Hawkeye and Trapper turned and grinned at Klinger who was walking up the drive with a very pregnant Soon-Li.

"It's because I was intimidated by your beauty and sparkling personality," Trapper said, reaching out to shake the other man's hand.

"How are you Klinger?" Hawkeye asked, shaking his hand as well.

Trapper looked Klinger up and down. "Something's different about you," he said.

"I got a new haircut."

The three of them laughed.

"Oh you mean the clothes," Klinger said, indicating his dark red dress shirt and black pants. "Yeah I gave up the psycho gig when they gave me a better job."

Hawkeye turned his attention to Soon-Li. "Something different about you too," he said with a smile.

Soon-Li beamed back at him. She had only known Hawkeye briefly and from a distance but from what she knew and from what her husband had told her, he was a kind man and she trusted him immediately.

"When are you due?" Trapper asked.

"Four weeks," Soon-Li replied. "I cannot wait. But I think Max is more excited than I am."

The four of them joined the rest of the group on the porch where they stayed for hours, taking a break to eat dinner, but then heading back outside to reminisce. Margaret's mother Jane and sister Natalie arrived after dinner and they too joined the bunch.

Everyone wanted to hear about how Hawkeye and Margaret got together. The Potters and Daniel were the only ones who knew the story from the beginning. Margaret and Hawkeye had talked about this and decided to tell a slightly altered version of the story. They left out the part about Hawkeye getting forced to go to Missouri, left out the nightmares, and the crisis of faith Hawkeye'd had in medicine. They weren't embarrassed, they just didn't want to bring down the mood too much or have to answer a lot of questions.

They told everyone that they'd both needed some time to think and had ended up at the Potter's farm. Hawkeye recounted the birth of Mash the horse where Potter interjected that the young colt was doing very well. They told of meeting again and realizing their feelings and then going to Maine. It was then that they told everyone, except the Hunnicutts and Daniel who knew already, of their plans to move to California. Everyone was shocked that Hawkeye would leave his beloved Maine, but they were happy for the pair. The impromptu party broke up around eleven and the guests went back to the hotel to get some sleep before the big day.

_Up next, the wedding, the move, and maybe a bit more._


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

It thunder stormed the night before the wedding. Hawkeye lay on the couch wide awake. Margaret had insisted that he sleep on the couch, saying it was bad luck to see each other before the wedding.

It didn't matter really. Even without the storm Hawkeye wouldn't have been able to sleep. He wasn't nervous, nervous was the wrong word for what he was feeling. It was apprehension. As much as believed that the move to San Francisco was the right thing to do, a part of him couldn't help but wonder if maybe the problem wasn't Crabapple Cove. Maybe he would never get better.

He closed his eyes and listened to the storm. He remembered the time when he'd gotten flash burns and been unable to see. How he'd listened to the storm and felt a part of it. Now as he lay on the couch he steadied his breathing and tried to feel the rain, the thunder.

A hand touched his shoulder.

"Hawkeye?" a voice said softly.

Hawkeye opened his eyes and smiled. "I was wondering how long it would take you to get down here," he said. Sitting up he pulled Margaret down onto the couch next to him. "Thunder?" he asked flashing on the time in the cave where she'd confessed her most irrational fear.

"Yeah. Come to bed?"

"Thought you'd never ask."

As they walked back to the bedroom Hawkeye felt a calm flow through his body. He climbed into bed beside Margaret and wrapped his arms around her. "Are you nervous about tomorrow?" he asked.

"No," Margaret replied honestly. "I know it's going to be wonderful."

"Plus I won't be in a body cast," Hawkeye joked.

Margaret laughed but then there was a crash of thunder and she stiffened. Hawkeye pulled her closer. "I'm sorry I couldn't find Father Mulcahy. I know you wanted him to do the ceremony."

"It's okay. I know you tried."

"Did you know he was deaf?"

Margaret shook her head. "I was surprised when BJ told you that. I remember when it happened."

"I think I was still in the loony bin."

They were silent, neither knowing how to respond.

"You know he kissed me once," Margaret said to break the tension.

"BJ?"

"Father Mulcahy."

Hawkeye chuckled, "Really? Why?"

"It was when we all won money from Charles because he bet on the Dodgers."

This time Hawkeye had to stifle his laughter into the pillow to avoid waking the other people in the house. "He actually kissed you?"

"Yes he did. He wasn't that bad at it either."

"He must be a natural then because I doubt he's gotten a lot of practice."

"Must be." She shook slightly as another crash of thunder sounded. "I'm sorry. It's so silly. I think it's gotten worse since we've been back."

"Mortar fire?"

"Yeah. I woke up tonight cause I thought we were in the operating room. Like the time we evacuated to the cave but you and I went back."

"I remember. You want to play twenty questions again?"

"No," replied Margaret. "Just, stay here okay?"

Hawkeye smiled and kissed her hair. "Forever," he whispered.

XXXXXXXXX

The next morning was a whirlwind of preparation and excitement. The ceremony was set to start at one in the afternoon and by twelve thirty Hawkeye was dressed and pacing around his father's bedroom where the men were getting ready.

"Hawk will you quit that," Trapper exclaimed. "You're making me dizzy."

Hawkeye stopped and sat down on the bed. "Sorry."

"You nervous?" Klinger asked.

"It's my wedding. Of course I'm nervous."

BJ sat down next to Hawkeye on the bed. "Don't be," he said. "She loves you. You love her. That's all that matters ultimately."

Daniel sat down on the other side of his son. "I remember when I married your mom, I was a nervous wreck. But you two have the advantage of already having lived together. You know you aren't always going to agree on everything but you've found ways to get through it. After today, the only thing that's going to change is your address."

"Thanks Dad."

"Besides Hawkeye," Radar put in from where he stood fixing his tie, "after what happened with that Lieutenant Colonel, Major Houlihan wouldn't have said yes if she wasn't sure."

Hawkeye turned and looked curiously at the younger man.

"What?" asked Radar.

"I'm just wondering what happened to the little boy who came running every time a girl looked at him. And who this wise man is standing there."

"Aw cut it out," Radar said, his cheeks turning slightly red.

"I'm kidding Radar. I appreciate it. But do me a favor and don't call her 'Major Houlihan'. Okay?"

"Sure thing."

Just then Colonel Potter walked in the door with Charles right behind him. "How are we all doing?" he asked.

"Fine," they all replied.

"How does Margaret look?" Hawkeye asked.

"Stunning," said Charles.

"That'd be the word for it all right," agreed Potter. "They're just about done getting ready and then we can get the two of you hitched." With Margaret's father gone, Margaret had asked Colonel Potter to walk her down the aisle to which he had wholeheartedly agreed.

"I'm not too late am I?" came another voice.

"Sidney!" Hawkeye exclaimed, jumping up to hug the other man who had just walked into the room. "What the hell are you doing here? I tried looking you up but they said you were still overseas."

"I was until a week ago. When I got back to New York I got a call from Colonel Potter saying I should get down to Maine to see a very unlikely wedding. With an invitation like that how could I refuse, especially when you're the only person I know who lives in Maine."

Sidney exchanged hellos with everyone and was introduced to Hawkeye's father who quietly thanked him for helping Hawkeye during the war.

"Hawkeye helped himself," said Sidney. "I just pushed him in the right direction. Now somebody tell me who's getting married."

"You mean you don't know?" BJ asked with a grin.

"No," Sidney replied. "Colonel Potter was very vague on the phone. He just said I wouldn't want to miss it."

"Hawkeye's marrying Major Houlihan," Radar said. "Oops, I mean Margaret Houlihan."

Sidney turned to Hawkeye with his eyebrows raised. "Really? Well isn't that something."

Hawkeye was about to respond when Jane Houlihan stuck her head into the room. "Come on boys," she said. "Let's get this show on the road."

Minutes later Hawkeye was standing on the lawn in front of the house. The rain from the previous night had cleared and the sun was shining. BJ stood next to him and Hawkeye could feel his best friend's smile. Looking around he saw his friends and family and realized how lucky he was. Charles put a record on the player and began the wedding march.

"Here we go buddy," BJ said, clasping Hawkeye on the shoulder.

"Thank you for everything," Hawkeye replied.

Peg Hunnicutt was the first to walk out of the house and down onto the lawn, escorted by Trapper who then came to stand next to BJ. Hawkeye took a deep breath and looked back to the door where Colonel Potter and Margaret emerged from.

Margaret took his breath away. Her dress was a simple white gown with thick straps and beadwork on the top. She had no veil, opting for a wreath of daisies in her hair instead. She smiled at him as she and Potter reached the front. Potter kissed her cheek and went to sit next to his wife. Hawkeye reached out and took Margaret's hand in his, leading her to his side.

"I love you," he mouthed.

Margaret smiled as the music stopped and the two of them turned to the justice.

"Wait! Stop!"

Everyone's heads turned at the cry to see a figure running up the driveway towards the assembly. Colonel Potter was the first to realize who it was.

"Jumpin jackrabbits!" he cried. "It's the Padre!"

Hawkeye thought his face would break he was grinning so wide. Father Mulcahy was running up the aisle and when he reached the couple he stopped.

"I returned to CYO yesterday from Tokyo to a strange message. 'Major Hawk married. Will do service.' Confused, I asked the nun who had taken the message what it meant. She said some man called Hawk called and said he was getting married to a Major and wanted me to perform the ceremony. I got here as quickly as I could. Though I fear I may be too late," he finished, eyeing the justice of the peace.

"Not at all Father," the justice said, shaking his head. "I have a feeling this is more your job than it was ever mine." He shook Mulcahy's hand and walked around the group to find an empty seat.

Margaret had tears in her eyes as she embraced the chaplain. Then she pulled away, speaking so he could read her lips. "You don't know how much this means to us," she said.

Mulcahy smiled, "I wouldn't have missed it for the world," he replied.

Hawkeye also gave the Father a hug. When he pulled away he said, "Can we hurry this up? There's a cake to eat. Not to mention lobster, dancing, and possibly some homemade gin."

"Yes of course," said Mulcahy, moving to stand before the couple. "Dearly beloved," he began. "We have come together today to join Benjamin Franklin Pierce and Margaret Jane Houlihan in the bonds of holy matrimony. These two people have been through a lot together. Good and bad. They have walked through fire and come out together on the other side. Though many who have known them would wonder at the match, all who have seen the compassion, loyalty, and devotion they have for each other do not doubt the joy and light they will bring each other. I have known Hawkeye and Margaret for four years and I truly believe theirs is a bond with the strength to withstand anything. But as Hawkeye said, there's a party to be had so let's get to the good part."

"Here, here," said Trapper.

There was laughter from the audience and the couple being married.

"Do you Margaret," continued Mulcahy, "take Benjamin as your lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"

Margaret smiled up at Hawkeye, "I do," she said.

"And do you Benjamin take Margaret as your lawful wedded wife? To have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"

Hawkeye grinned, "I do."

"May I have the rings?"

BJ reached into his pocket and pulled out two matching gold bands, one with a small diamond in the middle. Handing them to Mulcahy he smiled at the priest.

Father Mulcahy held the rings in one hand. "These rings are not only symbols of the unending love these two share, they are also symbols of the path we take in life. A circle is an infinite number of connected points just as our lives are an infinite number of moments connecting us to each other. Some points are good, some are not so good. But all are part of the path we must take that ultimately ends where it began. Margaret?" He gave her one of the rings. "Place this ring onto Benjamin's finger and repeat after me. I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and our life together."

"I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and our life together," Margaret repeated, slipping the ring onto Hawkeye's left hand.

Mulcahy handed the other ring to Hawkeye. "Now you," he said.

Hawkeye slipped the ring on Margaret's hand. "I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and our life together."

"With the power given to me by God, and in the presence of these witnesses I now declare you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

There was a loud cheer when Hawkeye leaned down to brush his lips across his new wife's. They stayed like that until BJ cleared his throat.

"Come on you two, it's time for a party!"

XXXXXXXXXXXX

_Up next: the move to Cali and another surprise. Please review._


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